Sometimes you just want to lie down, stare at the sun or simply just fly away. As we’re slowly entering spring, some things take a lot of time from the normal schedule. I’ve been running at full-speed for almost every day of the week, sometimes even higher – just to produce material for 3-4 posts each day. I’m finding this to be more difficult then it used to be, because I don’t have any energy left for anything. Sure, what keeps you going and makes you energized is the positive and constructive feedback that you get, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Not to say that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but it’s transformed into something that I cannot really comprehend.
I see myself working as hard as possible, whilst other people just float on the waves. I have tried to help others, while not getting anything at all back. Been extremely enthusiastic about stuff, trying to push it in the right direction, which in the end didn’t result in anything else than hitting your head into a brick wall – repeatedly.
Yes, this is really time-consuming. And no, I don’t get payed to do this. Which makes it a lower priority then everything else that life has to offer. I try to offer something above and beyond what’s currently being offered everywhere else. Unfortunately, I’ve been failing with that task for some months now.
Believe me, it’s more frustrating for me then anything else. I don’t want to do a half-arsed job just because I want to get things ‘out there‘, which is simply what it’s become – rather than the quality I’ve always wanted to deliver. The material might’ve not been bad quality-wise, but I know that I can do much better.
I am sick and tired of being enthusiastic about things, and it doesn’t feel like this will change anything, but hopefully it will give you an insight in what’s going on behind the scenes right here and now. I can be as naive as anyone would want me to be, but it doesn’t hide the fact that I used to be more enthusiastic and naive about this whole ordeal. Which got me to this point eventually, when I realized that everything isn’t as glimmering, appreciative, indulging and as fancy as it could be.
I’ve had the thought, several times, just to quit and put this blog to an end. But that can’t be done, since writing is what I do best. Through thick and thin, I will still prevail in the end. I must realize that I can’t keep up with my own tempo, expectations and beliefs. Trust me, I work very hard with this. I do my utmost, to make reviews and interviews as great as possible. It doesn’t matter who releases it, just as long as it could be interesting for me to review.
No, it does not matter if it’s a genre that I have low expectations of, it simply doesn’t matter what it is – in the end. What really matters is if I think it’s still fun to do this, if people want to have their material on my blog and if I can help just a single band or artist to reach out to more people. It was my original intention, which I haven’t swayed a tiny inch from. Right now, though, I don’t really know or have the energy, to actually scrutinize myself and my feelings for music writing in general and the music business as a whole.
Don’t worry though, your reviews will come. I am a perfectionist, so I can unfortunately not release anything I’m not even remotely satisfied with. Hope you understand and “c’est la vie“.